Keeping Score

Today marks the end of Lent. Confession: Before this year I've never participated in Lent. If I'm honest, I'm not sure I ever really understood the purpose or meaning of Lent. Ok - I'm feeling very Catholic: confessing and participating in Lent.  Anyway, the fam and I began an Easter devo in March, the focus of which was Lent. Ultimately we ditched the devo in favor of reading the gospel of Mark togther. However, prior to ditching th devo, we all agreed to participate in Lent and fast. My sweet Emma chose to fast from carbs, bless her heart. Thankfully we ditched that commitment along with the devo. I do love me some bread. I had decided to fast from social media, including Facebook, Instagram and yes, the horror, Pinterest. Admittedly, when I announced this commitment, I sort of thought I took the easy way out. I mean, I didn't give up coffee or tv, or sugar or bacon - you know the tough stuff. This was just a litttle computer time, a little guilty pleasure.  So, even though we stopped the Lent devo, I decided to stick with my decision to fast from these things. How hard could it be, right? Tip of the day: if you're wondering whether something in your life is an addictive stronghold, commit to giving it up for 40 days. As it turns out, Facebook and Instagram were easy. I can honestly say I didn't miss either and I'm not sure I'll go back. But, Pinterest on the other hand...whoa baby. 

My first real test in the Great Pinterest Fast of 2014 occurred when the hubs and I went out of town for our anniversary. I was only a week into the fast and was already experiencing some withdrawal: cold sweats, the shakes, migraines. I'm kidding (sort of.) But, I was missing the mindless scroll through recipes, DIY and home decor. 

So, the hubs surprises me and takes me away to the beautiful cabin of a friend of his. And it was indeed beautiful: beautiful setting, beautiful weather and, yes I'll say it, my beautiful man. Of course the most exciting part for us, as it is with any of our vacations, was cable television. Perfection.

So there we were, on our first night, cuddling on the couch and watching some House Hunters on our favorite channel of all time: HGTV. It was lovely. And then it happened. The hubs grabs his Ipad and fires up what else? Yep. Pinterest. He opens Pinterest and glances over at me and asks, casually, "I'm sorry. Does this bother you?"  Now, let me clarify. I know it may bother some wives when their husbands go on the Internet or read a magazine or a book or answer texts when they're supposed to be spending time together watching tv. Unless it is our weekly Friday night date night, I am not one of those women. It really doesn't bother me. Really. So, his question was not about not paying attention to the gloriousness of cable television, it was specifically addressing his use of Pinterest in front of me. Confession time again: I responded in a less than genuine manner: "No. It's totally fine. Go ahead." Truth: I actually had to change position on the couch so I wouldn't be tempted to peak over his shoulder and steal a look. The sad part is, he scrolls through things like cars, outdoors, watches. AKA: boooorrrrriiiing. 

And yet, I wanted what he had. I wanted a Pinterest fix. And, he knew it.

On the second night of our mini vacation, after a sad, failed attempt to teach me to play pool, we happened upon a game that wasn't really a game. Point of fact, the name of the game was The Ungame. It was simple: a deck of cards with questions designed to help people in a group to get to know one another better. It bears mentioning that we're here, on vacation, celebrating 17 years of marriage. Was there anything left that we didn't know about each other? We were both surprised to find out there was indeed quite a bit we didn't know. It was a lovely evening and I found myself falling in love with him all over again as we revealed fears, joys and dreams. I don't think he'd mind if I shared with you that we became our own romantic comedy that evening: we laughed, we cried. All of this made possible by the absence of technology. Imagine that.

We returned home from our magical weekend more connected than we had been in a long time and refreshed, ready to get back into the grind of normal life. Would we, I wondered on the drive home as I anxiously waited to see my babies, be returning with such joy and enthusiasm if we had spent the weekend next to each other, but disengaged, each doing our own thing? To use one of my favorite words that Erik absolutely hates: prolly not. 

Lent: 1  Pinterest: 0

We settled back into our crazy normal, complete with the demands of home, school and ministry. My next Pinterest challenge came as I attempted to engage in one of my favorite activities, baking. My aversion to Emma's carb fast is making more sense now isn't it? I realized I had come to a point where  I found all of my baking inspiration from Pinterest. I stood in my kitchen, after sending my children off to school, at a complete loss. Moreover, I was staring at 25 pounds of pink lady apples I had just purchased through a local CSA. What was I going to do with 25 pounds of apples and no Pinterest? This seemed like a dauntng, impossible proposition. 

Erik called me that day to check in, as he always does, and asked what I was up to. I told him I was looking through my cookbooks, incuding my fave, The Joy of Cooking, looking for apple recipes. Then he said something that for me became a light bulb moment for the way I wanted to live my life. "Oh," he said in his most charming voice, "your grandmother's pinterest."

Right? I realized in that moment that we, women my age, had become a generation that went to Pinterest, or WebMD, or Facebook, for advice, recipes, home keeping tips. We had traded in the knoweledge, wisdom and expertise of the older women in our lives for the cold, meaningless, rules of the internet culture. My reality had become the things I pinned, not the life I lived. I compared how I looked, who I was, what I was or was not doing, to the people, many of whom I didn't know, that I followed on social media. I had traded joy for status, for reputation. 

Lent: 2 Pinterest: 0

So, what did I do with all those apples? I made apple pies, including one for my new neighbors. I made an apple crisp with a recipe passed on to me by a woman at church whom I greatly admire and respect. I made overnight apple butter that made my home smell like heaven. I made Emma's favorite apple sauce and mini apple pies for my family for dessert. I delivered apple butter to a friend who was going through a tough time. 2nd tip of the day: if you have a friend going through a tough time, visit her in person, with food, and pray with her. It really does make a difference and it is way better than sending a Facebook message telling them you're praying for them. All of this happened without Pinterest. Shocking, I know.

Lent: 3 Pinterest: 0

Oh, and one more thing about that woman that I admire and respect. I took her to lunch to seek her advice about some issues I was facing with my daughters. Her words dripped wisdom and were filled with love and warmth. She shared her life experience with me and encouraged me in ways no website ever could. She checks on me. She hugs me. She is real and I am better for knowing her. These are sentiments I could never use to describe the Internet.

Lent: 4 Pinterest: 0

In the absence of Pinterest, I realized how self focused my thoughts had become. I came to recognize that I often scrolled through Pinterest searching for ways to make me better, to look better, to dress better. Pinterest had turned my attention to the outside of the cup while I let the inside get dirty and filthy. I had to admit that I did not live the life God was calling me to because I was afraid that that life wouldn't like or even remotely resemble the one I aspired to live in my faux Pinterest reality. I had reached a point in my life where I often dreaded getting up in the morning because it would be one more day I would engage in the rituals of fitting into the mold I bought from the world and tried and failed to follow the rules no one had set but me. 

As I neared the end of the fast, I was faced with the decision: would I go back? With Facebook and Instagram, the answer was a pretty easy no. I would leave my accounts open to send pictures to my dad and get  messages, announce new blogs posts (!),  but really didn't feel the need to check in on these forums daily, or even weekly. Easy. done. Pinterest...

Pinterest isn't evil. It can be a fun, sometimes helpful and harmless source of information. But, my fast had taught me it could be a lot of other things as well. I knew as I made the decision to re-engage in Pinterest, there were other decisions that needed to be made first. Namely, what kind of life did I want to lead? I needed to make some decisions about who I was, who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to raise my family, before I went back to Pinterest. Why? Because if I engaged in this seemingly innocuous past time absent a confidence of my own identity, I would run the risk of letting someone or something else dictate those answers and deciscions to me and for me. 

I'm no longer willing to relinquish that control to anyone. Anyone except the One who should have always had control over my life. I am surrendering and giving it all to God. Wow. I think I may have actually come to finally understand Lent. 

Lent, nay, God: Everything Pinterest, nay, the world: 0

Happy Easter. The victory has been won, it's time we claimed it and lived it.