Taking a break from the usual family update to share whats on my heart. Actually, this was what was on my heart a couple months ago. I wrote it and chickened out from sharing it. In response to a conviction to not operate from a place of fear, here goes...
Ok, the book writing thing: The bad news is I haven’t given it much attention in awhile. The good news is I had a total breakdown with dear hubby as I read what I had written so far and lamented the fact that I had quit working on this project. He did what any good husband should do; he scolded me. I needed a good verbal spanking quite frankly. I was scared to that point to call this what it is and even more scared to finish it. I said out loud to my husband and my children: I am an author and I am going to finish my book. It was remarkable. We all cried and hugged it out and then my sweet little seven-year-old looked up into my eyes with her big beautiful hazel eyes and said through a flood of tears, “I feel like you love me less everyday.” What the….? Warm fuzzies gone, mother’s guilt here. Ah, the universe is just as it should be.
Seriously, we got past that; I told her I love her more today than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. Yes, I know it’s a totally cheese ball seventies song but the kid doesn’t know that and it solved my problem. Well, it solved my problem until she quotes me to her pastor this Sunday…oh well, I’ll deal with it later.
So now I have a level of accountability in place. I’m back at it, ready to hear the big messages from God about who I am supposed to be. I went hiking this morning and it was amazing. I was at peace and the wind was blowing. It’s July in Arizona, this may very well qualify as a miracle. You know the wisdom received today? Do more alone. Short, but not sweet. This didn’t feel like a little message to me at all, no this was one of my first doozies. I never do anything alone except grocery shop and hike. Well, that’s not exactly true either. When ever possible I coax my husband into shopping with me and my pseudo adopted teen daughter into hiking with me. What is my fear of being alone? Where did that come from?
I’m afraid to make the wrong decision. There I go operating out of fear again. I need to start making decisions all on my own without the input or advice of anyone. Not the big stuff mind you. I understand that major life decisions (MLDs) should be made with dear hubby and possibly with the advice of other Godly people. But I’m not talking about the MLDs. It’s the little stuff that should really be up to me that I need to go it alone on – yeah, that stuff paralyzes me. You know what else? I never take credit for my own ideas – ever. If I am talking to a friend and I have something clever to say, I always give credit to my husband or even lie and say I read it or heard it somewhere. That is certifiable crazy behavior. Am I seriously afraid that if I take credit for something my friend will either think that a) I’m a snob, or b) I am lying and heard my little nugget from someone really qualified, a.k.a. Beth Moore? Truth? Yes.
I also realized I don’t like rules, more specifically, directions. Now there are some directions and rules that are good and necessary, i.e. the 10 Commandments, or driving laws for instance. But other rules and directions are a big waste of time. I like to sew. I hate, with as much passion as one can hate inanimate objects, patterns. I loathe them. Should that stop me from doing something I really like? Um, no. Hey look at that, all this time I thought I was a goody-two-shoes and the truth is I am a rebel. I am a rule breaker. Watch out expensive fabric everywhere, here I come with scissors and no directions. This feels good, dangerous, but good.
I have been living my life either on pause or with the mute button permanently engaged. Scary as it is, I’m done with that. I want to dance in the freedom that Jesus gave me and I want to live out loud without concern for what others think of me. I have not been true to myself for the last almost 33 years. I cannot be true to God if I am not true to myself.
