Truth

Taking a break from the usual family update to share whats on my heart. Actually, this was what was on my heart a couple months ago. I wrote it and chickened out from sharing it. In response to a conviction to not operate from a place of fear, here goes...

Ok, the book writing thing: The bad news is I haven’t given it much attention in awhile. The good news is I had a total breakdown with dear hubby as I read what I had written so far and lamented the fact that I had quit working on this project. He did what any good husband should do; he scolded me. I needed a good verbal spanking quite frankly. I was scared to that point to call this what it is and even more scared to finish it. I said out loud to my husband and my children: I am an author and I am going to finish my book. It was remarkable. We all cried and hugged it out and then my sweet little seven-year-old looked up into my eyes with her big beautiful hazel eyes and said through a flood of tears, “I feel like you love me less everyday.” What the….? Warm fuzzies gone, mother’s guilt here. Ah, the universe is just as it should be.

Seriously, we got past that; I told her I love her more today than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. Yes, I know it’s a totally cheese ball seventies song but the kid doesn’t know that and it solved my problem. Well, it solved my problem until she quotes me to her pastor this Sunday…oh well, I’ll deal with it later.

So now I have a level of accountability in place. I’m back at it, ready to hear the big messages from God about who I am supposed to be. I went hiking this morning and it was amazing. I was at peace and the wind was blowing. It’s July in Arizona, this may very well qualify as a miracle. You know the wisdom received today? Do more alone. Short, but not sweet. This didn’t feel like a little message to me at all, no this was one of my first doozies. I never do anything alone except grocery shop and hike. Well, that’s not exactly true either. When ever possible I coax my husband into shopping with me and my pseudo adopted teen daughter into hiking with me. What is my fear of being alone? Where did that come from?

I’m afraid to make the wrong decision. There I go operating out of fear again. I need to start making decisions all on my own without the input or advice of anyone. Not the big stuff mind you. I understand that major life decisions (MLDs) should be made with dear hubby and possibly with the advice of other Godly people. But I’m not talking about the MLDs. It’s the little stuff that should really be up to me that I need to go it alone on – yeah, that stuff paralyzes me. You know what else? I never take credit for my own ideas – ever. If I am talking to a friend and I have something clever to say, I always give credit to my husband or even lie and say I read it or heard it somewhere. That is certifiable crazy behavior. Am I seriously afraid that if I take credit for something my friend will either think that a) I’m a snob, or b) I am lying and heard my little nugget from someone really qualified, a.k.a. Beth Moore? Truth? Yes.

I also realized I don’t like rules, more specifically, directions. Now there are some directions and rules that are good and necessary, i.e. the 10 Commandments, or driving laws for instance. But other rules and directions are a big waste of time. I like to sew. I hate, with as much passion as one can hate inanimate objects, patterns. I loathe them. Should that stop me from doing something I really like? Um, no. Hey look at that, all this time I thought I was a goody-two-shoes and the truth is I am a rebel. I am a rule breaker. Watch out expensive fabric everywhere, here I come with scissors and no directions. This feels good, dangerous, but good.

I have been living my life either on pause or with the mute button permanently engaged. Scary as it is, I’m done with that. I want to dance in the freedom that Jesus gave me and I want to live out loud without concern for what others think of me. I have not been true to myself for the last almost 33 years. I cannot be true to God if I am not true to myself.

Okay, So We Got a Little Campy This Summer

Summer time and the livin's NOT easy. Whoever wrote that song, (Gershwin, right?) did not live in Phoenix in July. Seriously, everything feels harder to do when it's 115 degrees outside. Even mustering the motivation to get up and do something feels more difficult. I know I lamented about this last year as well, but it just wouldn't be summer if I didn't complain a little bit (ok a lot) about the heat. Although, sad to say, it has rubbed off on Jilly who, when I said "it's a little toasty," on our way into church last weekend said, emphatically, "No, no its not. It is a lot toasty, it is stinkin' hot." Amen sista.

Perhaps this year home feels hotter because I had the opportunity to escape the heat not once, but twice in June. First, was a trip to Prescott to attend UCYC (United Christian Youth Camp) with Emma. As some of you may recall, I did not attend last year and spent the week crying on her bed missing her terribly. So off we went together this year where we spent at least one day crying together missing Daddy and Jilly. At least our misery had company. But, to call the week misery would not be fair. We did indeed have a fantastic time and our group of girls, 7 in all, got on brilliantly. We zip lined, shot paintball guns, did archery, climbed a rock wall and played kickball. But perhaps the scariest moment we had to overcome was playing pool games in a thunderstorm and sixty degree weather. Despite a slight chill on entry, we sucked it up and ended up even enjoying that part! Spending time with Emma, you can't help but make some pretty grand memories. She does everything, even if she's done it a thousand times, like its the first time ever and sees it with these incredible brand new eyes. I envy that and I pray she never loses that awe and wonder for life. Emma and I had so much fun, we convinced Erik to go next year, with Jilly, and make UCYC a family event.

My UCYC girls on Wacky Wednesday.


So, home from Prescott for 5 days and then Erik & I were off to CIY (Christ in Youth) in Durango, CO with our teen ministry. 700 teenagers + 70 coaches + 13 buses + 6 days = not enough bathrooms. No seriously, it added up to an amazing week and a ton of fun. The hardest part was leaving Emma and Jilly, despite knowing they were in great hands (thanks, mommy!) The best part was my girls - my students. God is soooo good. I have the most awesome group of students and the best part is I get to do life with them here at home. I am honored, truly, to have the privilege to be a part of a small group bible study with these girls each week, to hang out with them, to laugh and to cry and to witness the amazing transformations Christ is making in them and through them. Upon return, our group grew in size as a few more girls who were unable to attend camp joined our group here at home and they are equally terrific. I am so excited to see what God is going to do this year in the lives of our students and humbled and honored that I get to be a small part if it all.


God is sneaky like that, isn't He? Just when your life feels small and you've lost your purpose, He brings you through these life changing experiences that remind you that you may be small, but you have a vital role in His big picture.





Jilly at the cabin for Mother's Day.
She is an illustration of being small and big at the same time. A small little girl, with a huge personality and the ambition to match. She just makes me smile, she is brilliant. I love, love, love that she is mine for a little while.










Alright, I'm going to seek some accountability here too, if you don't mind. Wow, I've never done this quite so publicly before. Have I ever even asked for any accountability before? Hmmm, there's another blog....Okay, as most of you by now know, I love to write. It's sort of a passionate hobby of mine. What you may not know is that I started a book about a year ago, and promptly convinced myself no one would ever want to read it, so I quit. I quit doing something I love because I thought someone wouldn't like it. That is tragically sad I think. So, I've decided to finish my book. And maybe no one will want to read it, but I'm okay with that. I want to finish it because I love to do it and I really feel like God has asked me to see this through. So, if you think about it, ask me how that's going from time to time. Knowing You might ask, motivates me to be able to say that I'm hard at work on it, chipping away everyday. Thanks.

In His Service