Truth: I am afraid to claim and create the life I desire. I, like most of us have an idea in my head of perhaps not the perfect life, but one which I think would bring me happiness, peace and joy. Is that how we know it is the life to which God has called us? I know God never promises happiness, He promises Holiness when we choose to follow Him. But if I shall know them by their fruits and this dream, this idea, makes me feel peace and joy, and those are certainly of the Holy Spirit, perhaps this dream is a worthwhile pursuit.
The potential of life in the small of her hand.
For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10
If this imagined life seems so lovely, and my dream is within my grasp, of what am I so afraid? The fear comes from letting go of all the dreams and goals I think I am supposed to be chasing. Right? The dreams of this world, i.e. money, status, beauty, success, etc. I am afraid to let go of them because I worry that I am giving up, throwing in the towel, and moreover, that that is exactly what others will think of me. So in my vain attempt to keep everybody pleased with and liking me, I chase dreams I think will make other people happy. Sadly, "other people" is really just a euphemism for "the world."
In church a couple of weeks ago we sang "Arms Open Wide." I stood that Sunday, with outstretched arms and sang the lyrics "I am Yours and You are mine." But my heart hurt for I knew I was being disingenuous at best and a flat out liar at worst. I do want to totally belong to Christ, but I cannot do so with with part of my heart still striving for selfish ambitions. The real truth is not that I fear what others think, but that I don't trust God. I operate under the misguided fear that when I release my clenched fists, my tight grip on the control I so desperately want to maintain, that God will fail me, I will miss out on something or fail to live up to standards nobody has imposed on me but me. I live my life by a list of do and don't rules nailed to a board in my mind. The consequence for breaking these rules is a brutal, endless round of self deprecation.
Coaxing new life to reach for the light and thrive.
and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, 1 Thessalonians 4:11
The beautiful irony of all this is that the crux of this dream I'm afraid to live is a letting go, a surrender, a deep exhale. What is so scary about that? What I crave most is a simple life. Simplicity, at it's finest, provides for a delightfully, whimsical, joyous life. It is not a life void of struggle or heartbreak. It is not a life without tears or sadness. Rather, a simple life is one in which, when trials and problems arise, the things that really matter rise higher and the true source of our joy gently guides us. It is a life where we keep our eyes on the priorities of the day and our minds off tomorrow. This is the life I want. This is the life I seek to create for myself and my family. Simplicity.
On a few rare occasions, for maybe a day or two at a time, I dared to surrender and seek the simple life I want to live. My quest for the simple has led me to the more and less of life. More of the cooking, crafting, and writing I love; Less of the selfish ambitions, the have to's and the time wasted on fruitless comparisons. In my home, simple means less boxed food and more real cooking; less boxed entertainment and more real living. I have found I am happiest when I opt out of the pre-manufactured, processed, life. We live in a world that sells us "the just add water" lifestyle and we buy it up in droves. Want to be entertained? Hit this button and turn this on. Want to lose weight? Get on this machine and eat this powder. Miss your friend? Like their status and send a text. Crave fame or status? Buy this star's clothing label, drive this car and for goodness sake, get a bigger house.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2
Man, I never realized how exhausting it is to constantly worry about me: How do I look? Am I happy? What do I want? I also never realized the full extent of the joy a life lived focusing on others and their happiness and comfort could bring. I am coming out of a season of my life wherein I was over committed, away from my family too much, worried and anxious. It was the antithesis of the life I crave. Thankfully many of those obligations and duties have come to their natural conclusion and I am entering a season wherein I have a bit more time and a bit more freedom. I cannot think of a better time than spring to imagine a new life and dare to live the same. So this is my challenge (my goal?) for myself: to live simply and live surrendered. I know that sounds broad and I will no doubt be writing and posting about the specifics of this endeavor. And, although I want this to become a life long endeavor, I am going to start with a 30 day challenge so that I am prompted to notice measurable changes and stay acutely aware of seeking the simple life each day. Oh my, I feel unburdened and alive in a way I have not previously. I have a feeling my days will not be less busy, but they are bound to be more full.
Hmmm... Have I found the good life?
11 For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13 while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.
Titus 2:11-14
We were handed some lemons. We made lemonade. Must do more of that.
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